Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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