I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
