when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
