the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
