..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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