Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
