I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
