i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
