vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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