I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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