I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
