I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
