The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize