my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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