guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
