now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
so much tequila, so little girl.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize