census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
