and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize