Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
