he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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