I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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