when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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