My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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