Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
