the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
