I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
