yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
