we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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