Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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