I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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