Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Drunk is a universal language darling
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
