we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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