Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
