if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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