I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
