either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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