I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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