man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I cut my penus on the lid.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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