I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize