We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
