Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
