can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
