Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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