my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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