I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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