I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize