I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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