i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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