An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
