we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
