WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
