I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
