I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
