She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
