Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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