it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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