the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
