Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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