I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
