just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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