Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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